Old wine in New bottle (another version of story - just for horror)

BIG Disclaimer - Ladies and Gents - I myself is a big fan of the Ramayana epic and a true devotee of the lord Ram. This is just for a fun - no offense intended to the epic nor to any characters of the same. Just go through the flow.

Other versions that i have read in the past:

S/W engineer version -(http://www.cs.cornell.edu/~kvikram/htmls/jokes/joke3.html)
American kid version – (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ramayana)

                  
                    (Scene 1 – Forest )

(Lush green forest  – and tar road going through the jungles – various sign boards. Sita, Ram and Laxman standing on the side of the road and looking to the other side)

(Sita takes a Coke from her X box and drinks)

RAM:  (looks around)  Beautiful !!

SITA: thanks

RAM:  (looks at Sita) – not to you , I am talking about the stalagmite formation of Luray caverns

LAXMAN: Man, its damn hot here – Bhabhi, any more coke left?

SITA: Sorry da..

(Tarzen sound effects)

LAXMAN: Looks like Tarzen is around. If he tries to mess with me, I am going kiss his A$$ out off.

SITA: (to Ram) Aaryaputhra, can I get a deer?

RAM: I can find one, but did you got other ingredients? Also how to cook it?

SITA: no, no, just to keep it as pet. When you guys go out, I will get bored, you know what I mean?

LAXMAN: I think Salman khan has eat all of them, look at the board – it says elephant crossing – not deer

RAM: Once we get back to the emirates, I will get you Doberman.

(A deer jumps across, Ram and Laxman runs behind the deer. Sita holds Laxman back)

SITA: Laxman?

LAXMAN: Yes, Bhabhi?

SITA: Your brother is going to take time. I know his stamina. I have been telling him do treadmill in the morning. He is hell bend on to Yoga – and sleeps in Savasana every day?

SITA: I am hungry. Can we get something?

LAXMAN: OK, You stay here; Let me if I can find McDonald’s?

SITA: Mc veggie for me – I am on diet

(Laxman takes a plastic yellow tape from his back pack and makes circle around Sita)

         LAXMAN: till the time I come back – do not cross this line.

SITA: OK, move on.

(Aeroplane landing sound effects; Ravana enters the scene; He has got a camcorder in his hand) 

RAVANA: I am the king of Srilanka; my name is Kumarathunga, Ravana Kumarathunga. Yeah, that my last name. I like you very much, If you can come with me – I can make you the queen of queens;

SITA: (with no interest) whatever?

RAVANA: I have got plane, Its Russian

SITA: (with no interest) yeah..

RAVANA: Lankstar mall, that belongs to me; 3 floors in Burj Khaleefa is mine. What do Ram has?

SITA: Word wide chain Ramada Inn is ours – we are on a holiday here.

RAVANA: Ramada Inn?

SITA: Yes that’s right

RAVANA: I left this hotel business long time back.

SITA: look man, whoever you are and whatever you have. I don’t know what you want. I am not interested in you, please get lost before my guys come back

(Ravana tries to cross the line, Sita takes the cell phone and tries to call)

SITA: Shit, its on roaming …

(Ravana then open his bag and takes some books out, titles of the book read ‘the Boko Haram way’, ‘Kid-napping by tell-a-tale.com’ and few others; chooses a yellow covered one with title reads ‘Kidnapping for dummies by Veerappan’ and turns the pages)

RAVANA: (whispering), rajkumar,  nakeeran, police line ..

(Ravana puts the book back and moves towards Sita and hold her hand)

(Burglar alarm sound – from behind; Ravana leaves Sita and looks back)

RAVANA: Hey, hey, who is that? Who is towing my vehicle?

(Jatayu enters)

JATAYU: I am Jatayu from Mexico, People call me Hadayu

RAVANA: Don’t you have IPL9, cricket commentary suits better dude

RAVANA: that’s Jadeja, I am Jatayu. I wont let you take Sita

(Ravana breaks Jatayu’s arrow and takes away Sita. Jatayu falls down, then Ram and Laxman enters and holds him)

JATAYU: (looks at sky) Push, push

LAXMAN: George W bush?

JATAYU: No no, Pushpak Viman. Ravana has kidnapped Sita and flew to Lanka

(Scene 2 – Another part of Jungle)

(Ram and Laxman is in deep thought of what to do next)

RAM: We need do something urgent bro?

LAXMAN: How about a Habeas Corpus petition?

RAM: It is going to take hell lot of time. Lets us call the MAN

LAXMAN: You mean Hanuman?

(Ram takes the phone dials and talks. Few minutes later loud sound Harley bike. Hanuman arrives in his Harley)

LAXMAN: We need your help?

HANUMAN: What the help (hell) are you talking about?

RAM: A freak from Srilanka has taken away my babe. We need to make a bridge between Lanka and Tamil Nadu

HANUMAN: Don’t worry about bridge. I have friend who can help in this.

HANUMAN: (looks out side ) Daai Thirudappa inga vaada thampi.

(Thirudappan enters In kalenger Karunanidhi style dress)

HANUMAN: He is a big PWD contractor for Kalenger.

THIRUDAPPAN: Vanakkam saar. Nan Thirupathi Thirudappan. Neega antha Chennai flyower pathirikangala?

LAXMAN: Hanuman? WTF, I don’t follow his bloody language?

HANUMAN: (to Thirudappan) Thampi avanga vanthu hindi.

THIRUDAPPAN: No problem. I am speaking to English. English theriyuma Unakku? You know English?

RAM: I need a bridge to Lanka, how soon you can make it?

THIRUDAPPAN: may be a fort night – 14 days. Pothuma?

LAXMAN: 2 weeks looks to be cool man.

HANUMAN: Thampi neega Pani thudange

(Scene 3 – Ravana’s palace)

(Ravana’s Palace. Sita sits on the floor and playing in her phone. Angry birds sound background. Kumbhakarna is sleeping in a bean bag. Ravana sits on a couch)

RAVANA: Dear, what all I have not done for you. You should marry me? At no cost Ram is going to make to this island.

(Sita nodes her face. By this time, one servant enters)

SERVANT: Your highness, Credit card company person has come. Asking for monthly instalment?

RAVANA: This is which one?

SERVANT: Sir, for the aero plane.

RAVANA: Ask him to sort it out with Vibheeshana

RAVANA (to Sita): So where were we?

SITA: I am very much hungry

RAVANA (to SERVANT): Hey, even I am hungry. Can you order a Pizza?

(Servant walks to land phone and dials)

SERVANT (to the phone): Hello, Is this Papa Hut? Is its not?

RAVANA: Then it might be Pizza Johns.

SERVANT: I need an extra-large, veg extravaganza with peperoni and macaroni.

SERVANT: Ham? Yes – even that is vegetarian right?

(By this time, Ram, Laxman and Hanuman enters)

RAM: Hi, I am Ram.

RAVANA: Hi Ram, How are you?

RAM: I am fine, how about you?

RAVANA: Pretty good, Its very hot up here. I am sweating like a Pig. Is it snowing outside?

RAM: Yes, little bit. We got stuck in heavy snow near to Rameshwaram.

RAVANA (to Servant): Who is there? Throw these folks outside my palace.

(Sita is still playing in her phone – Angry birds sound continues)

HANUMAN: Brother, it is good if we talk it out (shows his mussels).

RAVANA: OK, what is the ASK?

RAM: I need Sita?

RAVANA: for here OR take away?

RAM: what?

RAVANA: for here OR to go?

RAM: TO GO…

RAVANA: so, the lets have a deal. It is something like this

(Siren sound - Helicopter sound. FBI enters.One senior agent showing ID card to everyone including other fellow FBI officers. Another office hand-cuffs Ravana; Meanwhile Hanuman takes the ID card and pass to others)

FBI: We are from the FBI, Focana Bureau of .. sorry Federal Bureau of Investigation. Mr. Ravana, you are under arrest for kidnapping. You have the right to remain violent. I mean silent. Anything you say, will be used against your generation.

RAVANA: what?

FBI: We were searching for you for some years now. Apart from Sita we have rescued Miss Chandana Levi as well. Al-quida has already confessed in Istanbul that they have help you in stealing Kubera’s aeroplane.

RAVANA: you wont believe me. It is nor Kubera’s aircraft. I only helped him to steal it from Mr Yuri Karpov. Its soviet Russian engine.

FBI: Federal law will take its turn

(FBI takes Ravana away - Siren sound - Helicopter sound)

(Hanuman and Laxman flirt with Miss Chandana Levi)

(Pizza boy delivers the Pizza)

-----THE END-----